Of dreams, hopes and eerie terrifyingness..

Tut tut... almost a month since I last posted anything. A realization hit me.. I have not been online for a looooooooooong while.. not sure of the exact reason behind the lack of passion in that department.. or maybe just lacking in desire to reach out to masses..

Turning around, reflecting, funny how things had been, for me, especially in slumberland.. without fail, each encounter, on a daily basis I would fall into the abyss of  dreamland.. rarely a happy 1, most times just eerie.. (I just realised I subconsciously put 2 products up for advertising here~ good lord!I should get some deal here eh? It is seriously time anyway, I hope you guys see this and call me for an offer!)

It really doesn't matter, I could be in Penang, in a hotel room, my own room, a couch in a living room and any time of the day.. dreams kept pursuing me, haunting me.. every nooks and corners that I turned, it is there, staring.. waiting for me to approach and consume me whole.

To recap some of the snapshots (that I somehow recalled) :

1) There I am, present at a LGBT event / award do when I saw my 3rd uncle and my 'yi poh' literally meant 2nd grandma (actually sister to grandma to be accurate) hugging me, shaking my hands and they actually told me that they are A-O-KAY with me being out and proud and total acceptance, no question, hands down.. the key people missing from my dream was my mom and my sis actually~

This dream actually propels and set into motion a lengthy thought full of 'the how tos : course of continuously educating my immediate family of the danger of homophobia' and drove in an extremely strong desire to drag my gf and her family out to mingle with my familly, a strong proof that homosexuality does not divide, it brings together.. whereas homophobia divides.. GF's advise : not so wise.. SIGH~ plan failed..

Again, this was and had been an outcome from the very deep desire within for mummy dearest to know that I am really just her daughter, chips and all and I have not exactly changed that much. I have not turned evil, unacceptable (maybe only to some) or broken beyond repair. I have simply, mainly desire and chose to be with another woman and in turn, deemed undesirable in the eyes of a few, claiming to be the 'Majority' that is 'NORMAL'.

I have a few more ideas how to go about that but it really is too long to be written here, some other day, some other blog yeah? I promise :P

2) A darker, morbid dream. One that actually has my ex gf, Jenny (from L Word), some mafia, crime, thriller theme.. don't ask me for much of the content except my ex's head prop from the new stand ghost like (abit like Ju-on.. ewwww) while I was flipping through some books, she walked past the stand a few times and finally confronted me, then a beautiful, tranquil sepia image of Jenny with a gunshot wound on her side (love handles to be exact) sitting on a beautiful sofa, whirled in this pool of dead bodies... I feel like I was watching a movie, or looking at a painting that moves (with Jenny la) so enigmatic, so surreal (it is actually, I'd be horrified if it's true, what more with my ex in there.. LOL) and then an ensuing car chase or foot chase (really can't remember much, after that)

I have no explanation whatsoever to why I dream that but then I've dreamed worse just that I can't recalled the last 3 weeks worth of dreaming.. if you have an answer, feel free to analyze and tell me..

For the last week or so : I have been thinking and been speaking to the current and closest 2 women in my life, about us.. about lesbianism.. about future of the sistahood, future of working together, the LGBTIQ as a whole entity, together with friends, families and supporter of us all (sounds like PFLAG but not).

In my head, whirred exactly these few questions :

1) Why aren't the lesbians in Malaysia more visible?

2) Why aren't the lesbians in Malaysia more active?

3) Why aren't the lesbians in Malaysia doing much more for the sista like how the brothers did?

4) Why aren't there a web? If there is, why is it so frail, thin, transparent?

The answer anonymously comes to this : NO ACTION TALK ONLY.. it is very sad but I am hoping 1 day, it will all change. To get there, let's see how to tackle this and get some motors running and hopefully like the corns, we could transform to those tasty popcorns after being exposed to extreme heat.. LOL

Yesterday : I finally read Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol. Truth be told, it didn't get me going like how Angels and Demons did; the latter made my heart leap and prance around the field.. I find it tedious to read at times and it has also caused me to self doubt : is my literacy waning? is my mind to comprehend wandering? has my linguistic mind became old and frail? Needless to say, i grabbed the attention of gf dearest and bombarded her with some questions similar to what I was feeling to determine if I am, in fact, turning into a numbskull.

Alas, besides admitting my inevitable fate to being a 1st class numbskull, the book is indeed tedious to read. I would definitely attribute it to the fact that the lack of knowledge I possessed regarding the Freemason / Lodge(?) and any Masonic teachings. I have and used to mistaken it with the Illuminati..

Nevertheless, my knowledge had not improved ever since.. meanwhile, reading throughout the wee hours into 1st light, I have these creepy feeling of 'otherness'. I keep looking out to the hallway outside my room (we kept door open as it was really hot yesterday) or have my phone facing it so the light will shone and show me anything that might make me jump real bad and leap out from my skin (I was really scared but I really had to know) and when it got too scary, I went out, setting myself down on a couch in my living room (lights on, definitely) all sorts of noise spooked me, TERRIBLY... even a slightly moving plastic that sealed the cigarette box.. ADUIH~

I finally fell asleep after 6.30 a.m. first on the couch, then made the migration to room and position of my head this time is resting where my feet normally would because I was trying to avert looking right out to the hallway facing middle room and master room and feeling all eerie, creepy and as if something uncomfortable has gotten under my skin (which it did, I am a big time scaredy-cat)

Ms. O, please help me.. I think I have succumbed to something dark! Let me know if you agree with me :P

Part 5 of 7 seasons of loneliness

Lust

This is a contradicting subject to be discussed.. Why?

I love and loathe this subject... It could be the best thing that could ever happen to you.. or it could be your worst nightmare..

Love

Because when you are lonely.. you will go out and flirt.. and by flirting, you might meet someone who could be 'an awesome night out', 'a friend with benefits' or he/she 'could be the one'.

Because when you fell in love with a piece.. you just can't stop thinking about it and planning future usages with it..

Because you can't get enough of it.. then you will always crave for it.. forever and ever and ever.. until you finally gotten sick of it~

Loathe

Alamak!! Need explaining ka? OK la.. here goes..

It causes havoc, breaks up relationships, marriage, trust, honor *please la.. not everything I say must be sexual geh mah..

No self control hence cheating behind partner (I mean if you guys have an open relationship and an understanding then I faham la..). It could be due to feeling inferior, constant need to be above others and be No. 1 as lover *chuckle at the fool* (Why you have this obsession to prove something about yourself? If applied to work, might make a tycoon out of you..), gives you the rush, the butterfly you mistakenly took as love.. *roaring laughter*

Addiction to constantly diy-ing to a point that you are as sore-ish as your soiree..  sitting so many hours in front browsing and going starry starry eye...

'How would you like to pay Sir/Mdm/Miss'? Swipe, swipe and swipe.. can feel the wind gushing to the next person's face when hand motioning that flicking action...

Make use of others for your financial gains, plunder and conquer.. trying to capture and make a sui yue out of your pursuer(s), breaking up people's home life and serenity.. Gives you a false sense of security that someone wanted you more than they really dare to admit to and vice versa..

Drives you to financial ruins because you can't help and say, 'oh.. very cheap only.. can afford another piece'.

Kills you with 'rich man diseases cause you can't help it.. 'ken..not..re..sist..must..have..no..mat..ter..what'. The pic below is totally dedicated to this very sentence.. LOL

*picture it's hand trembling after stuffing yourself and tak boleh jalan*

LOL.. Lust.. love em or loathe em.. My brain juice just dried.. else this would be my favorite topic to bitch and blog about.. so juicy you know.. marigold peel fresh's pulp also kalah face down ler!!

Lust makes an user out of all of us.. So, are you gonna be morally using / be used or immorally using / be used? Choice is entirely yours.. Me, I wanna be inter-using... Truth be told, you can never live life without using or being used.. The only difference? Only you can tell yourself when you care to be honest...

We should have a World User's Day.. How about that?

Part 4 of 7 seasons of loneliness

Hmmm... Nothing happened to me yet.. so, here I am, still, today.. writing about part 4.. *psst..someone haven't read yet* LOL

Pride

Now if you are self confident, good for you.. BUT

Have you ever met ppl who are so snobbish (and it's not like they have plenty of pennies, just slightly more than you la..) and how they looked at you as if they are GOD themselves.. and how they say, that day I sat down with / talk to this Datuk this, Datin that, Tan Sri, Pn Sri.. and then they look at you, all haughty and mighty..

Datuk, Datin, Tan Sri, Pn Sri not human? Just because they have titles, doesn't meant you can look down on others who doesn't have em.. dignity has nothing to do with having a title.. get it? Think of all the immaterial ppl (lalang / lalat) you hang out with (from the D,D,TS,PS angle) because you have a title.. and think of all the unpaid menial labors / errands and you being a minion (from the lalang / lalat angle) unless of course, fanny kissing is your forte to a better life (or is it really bettah?)

Sometimes it is nice to fantasize that your papa or grandpapa is Uncle Lim or Uncle Yeoh or Uncle Robert... but then you would be bound by many many family tradition or what not you know.. do this.. do that.. don't do that.. no.. you can't.. there's so much burden it's kinda not worth it.. that is... until you look at something really nice that you wanted to own... then you turn back, look at your pocket, your bank account.. muahahahahahahaha..

I always ponder two points..

1. Prideful families.. mind you, not to say they are incapable.. they are I am sure, smart, capable people.. but.. what hypocrites!! my god.. sit there hearing the hellish things you have to hear.. so susah and (like 1 of my friend's favorite tagline) SO SALAH!!

And then imagine people insult you by saying your family is less worthy than their family and their family is better than yours because they associate with the Datuk, Datin, Tan Sri, Puan Sri, Tun, Toh Puan.. Didn't know worth are measured by that.. so kesian this family for valuing it's pedigree that way *snicker* I rather be Earthworm... kecik and low profile.. *very hard to do but I try*

2. The denomination of credit cards... Why need to flash gold or platinum or what not wor.. if you can afford to spend, good for you la.. if you can spend at will.. fantastic.. but do you need those colour colour to power play meh? got credit card, swipe, can pay, no block, no need every month pay min payment then good already la.. flash flash so bright.. kalah the matahari man.... but no... all are just looks, belakang makan maggi cos can't afford it.. but still keep it cos banyak megah..

I am an extremely papa kedana person.. with no dime to spare and spend most time fantasizing to be the Uncles Above punya family members.. but my 3 decades as a living, breathing, redundant human on earth, I never have the guts to take up a card.. *I can hear the word 'chicken' being shouted to me from the back* Call me CHICKEN la.. because I really am a coward in this department..

My motto : Better an Earthworm + a Chicken than a Bankrupt & an Empty Can.. at least I know I am full and yes yes.. I also belong in the 'PRIDE' group.. muahahahahahaha..

Safe sex in "O" during IDAHO & International AIDS Memorial Day

Last Sat I was in 'O' to support PT & giving out safe sex kits to everyone : straight / lgbt..

Was happy to meet some who were downright friendly :

Me : May I stick you?
Him : No no...(with a cheeky smile)
Me : *suprised*
Him : You can't stick me..I don't want to..but you can stick me with the red ribbons..

LOL!!

Alas, I, with other friends from the community was taken aback by the display of emotion of others who are either treating us like credit card sales or that we have AIDS when we handed out red ribbons & condoms..

Well.. you win some.. you lose some.. *sigh*

That brings a round of discussion on...

SEX.. TO HELL WITH IT OR BETTER BE SAFE?

I think it's a daily struggle that 1 fights to stay alive and the other is throwing caution to the wind..

What is it with human and it's misconception that they are indestructible?

Does it gives you hope to fight for what you can achieve? Does it not give you a false sense of security?? >> (my late gf taught me this word)

Why the unnecessary hesitation when it comes to protecting oneself? I mean.. I see many on a daily basis trying to protect their hearts from being broken, protecting the youth so it will not be devoured by age and the spouse will not leave once the shell wilted away and see that it is lacking in body, within?

Then why, pray god.. do we forget to protect our most and i must stress this >> INNERMOST being of one self that is our SEXES?

For any women out there who thinks that you might not be susceptible to any sexual diseases.. THINK AGAIN..

I knew those who never used protection though was previously infected by STD and never bother to protect their existing & future partners from it (you know who you are).. IF THIS IS CALLED LOVE THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT REAL LOVE REALLY IS..

Food for your thought >> I read AIDS : Women & Epidemic (I think this is the title..I read it more than 10 yrs ago & the book is now with my darling for several years). This book practically changed my whole life & outlook on my sexual life..made me rethink about safe sex practices, protecting yourself & your love ones..

HAPPY SAFE FUCKING EVERYBODY!!