Tut tut... almost a month since I last posted anything. A realization hit me.. I have not been online for a looooooooooong while.. not sure of the exact reason behind the lack of passion in that department.. or maybe just lacking in desire to reach out to masses..
Turning around, reflecting, funny how things had been, for me, especially in slumberland.. without fail, each encounter, on a daily basis I would fall into the abyss of dreamland.. rarely a happy 1, most times just eerie.. (I just realised I subconsciously put 2 products up for advertising here~ good lord!I should get some deal here eh? It is seriously time anyway, I hope you guys see this and call me for an offer!)
It really doesn't matter, I could be in Penang, in a hotel room, my own room, a couch in a living room and any time of the day.. dreams kept pursuing me, haunting me.. every nooks and corners that I turned, it is there, staring.. waiting for me to approach and consume me whole.
To recap some of the snapshots (that I somehow recalled) :
1) There I am, present at a LGBT event / award do when I saw my 3rd uncle and my 'yi poh' literally meant 2nd grandma (actually sister to grandma to be accurate) hugging me, shaking my hands and they actually told me that they are A-O-KAY with me being out and proud and total acceptance, no question, hands down.. the key people missing from my dream was my mom and my sis actually~
This dream actually propels and set into motion a lengthy thought full of 'the how tos : course of continuously educating my immediate family of the danger of homophobia' and drove in an extremely strong desire to drag my gf and her family out to mingle with my familly, a strong proof that homosexuality does not divide, it brings together.. whereas homophobia divides.. GF's advise : not so wise.. SIGH~ plan failed..
Again, this was and had been an outcome from the very deep desire within for mummy dearest to know that I am really just her daughter, chips and all and I have not exactly changed that much. I have not turned evil, unacceptable (maybe only to some) or broken beyond repair. I have simply, mainly desire and chose to be with another woman and in turn, deemed undesirable in the eyes of a few, claiming to be the 'Majority' that is 'NORMAL'.
I have a few more ideas how to go about that but it really is too long to be written here, some other day, some other blog yeah? I promise :P
2) A darker, morbid dream. One that actually has my ex gf, Jenny (from L Word), some mafia, crime, thriller theme.. don't ask me for much of the content except my ex's head prop from the new stand ghost like (abit like Ju-on.. ewwww) while I was flipping through some books, she walked past the stand a few times and finally confronted me, then a beautiful, tranquil sepia image of Jenny with a gunshot wound on her side (love handles to be exact) sitting on a beautiful sofa, whirled in this pool of dead bodies... I feel like I was watching a movie, or looking at a painting that moves (with Jenny la) so enigmatic, so surreal (it is actually, I'd be horrified if it's true, what more with my ex in there.. LOL) and then an ensuing car chase or foot chase (really can't remember much, after that)
I have no explanation whatsoever to why I dream that but then I've dreamed worse just that I can't recalled the last 3 weeks worth of dreaming.. if you have an answer, feel free to analyze and tell me..
For the last week or so : I have been thinking and been speaking to the current and closest 2 women in my life, about us.. about lesbianism.. about future of the sistahood, future of working together, the LGBTIQ as a whole entity, together with friends, families and supporter of us all (sounds like PFLAG but not).
In my head, whirred exactly these few questions :
1) Why aren't the lesbians in Malaysia more visible?
2) Why aren't the lesbians in Malaysia more active?
3) Why aren't the lesbians in Malaysia doing much more for the sista like how the brothers did?
4) Why aren't there a web? If there is, why is it so frail, thin, transparent?
The answer anonymously comes to this : NO ACTION TALK ONLY.. it is very sad but I am hoping 1 day, it will all change. To get there, let's see how to tackle this and get some motors running and hopefully like the corns, we could transform to those tasty popcorns after being exposed to extreme heat.. LOL
Yesterday : I finally read Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol. Truth be told, it didn't get me going like how Angels and Demons did; the latter made my heart leap and prance around the field.. I find it tedious to read at times and it has also caused me to self doubt : is my literacy waning? is my mind to comprehend wandering? has my linguistic mind became old and frail? Needless to say, i grabbed the attention of gf dearest and bombarded her with some questions similar to what I was feeling to determine if I am, in fact, turning into a numbskull.
Alas, besides admitting my inevitable fate to being a 1st class numbskull, the book is indeed tedious to read. I would definitely attribute it to the fact that the lack of knowledge I possessed regarding the Freemason / Lodge(?) and any Masonic teachings. I have and used to mistaken it with the Illuminati..
Nevertheless, my knowledge had not improved ever since.. meanwhile, reading throughout the wee hours into 1st light, I have these creepy feeling of 'otherness'. I keep looking out to the hallway outside my room (we kept door open as it was really hot yesterday) or have my phone facing it so the light will shone and show me anything that might make me jump real bad and leap out from my skin (I was really scared but I really had to know) and when it got too scary, I went out, setting myself down on a couch in my living room (lights on, definitely) all sorts of noise spooked me, TERRIBLY... even a slightly moving plastic that sealed the cigarette box.. ADUIH~
I finally fell asleep after 6.30 a.m. first on the couch, then made the migration to room and position of my head this time is resting where my feet normally would because I was trying to avert looking right out to the hallway facing middle room and master room and feeling all eerie, creepy and as if something uncomfortable has gotten under my skin (which it did, I am a big time scaredy-cat)
Ms. O, please help me.. I think I have succumbed to something dark! Let me know if you agree with me :P
