Lately...

Yesterday has been a sleepless night.. I feel a dark shadow, overwhelming me.. hell bent on taking over.. I don't know what is coming over me..

This is not a place I want to be.. vow to be.. I closed my eyes.. remembering something that some1 said to me.. Then...

Picturing a green vast field.. bright blue skies.. children running, laughing, 1 or 2 families cheerfully enjoying their small picnic and gatherings..

Smile....

I will have 2 new housemates by March!! YAY!!

I was lucky to have gotten a call 1 day answering it as a dazed sleepy head.. LOL

So 1 fine day, 1 sister came and paid the house a visit and the next day the other sister did so..For few days there is nothing but silence.. then...

'Can we see the house together for the final time?'

So I said 'Why not?'

They came yesterday and then.. They paid a deposit to secure the room so I won't let it out to others!! My god.. so happy..

We proceeded to talk more and they continue to ask more questions.. hehehehe.. finally it's time for them to pay up.. then I emailed them the receipt after they checked things through..

FINALLY..

March, pls come soon.. I can't wait.. 1 problem down.. 3 more to go.. hehehehehe!!

Why?

Why?? Why do we do the things we do? Have you ask yourself why?

Sometimes I don't ask myself enough...

WHY?

Bad name to Maxis Customer Service Personnel

WTH????

I called Maxis because I found out they charged me for change of Top Ten No. This was excerpt from our tele-con : 

Me : Maxis shouldn't be charging me for no change for Top Ten.

E fr Maxis : Our record shows that you have subscribed previously, then unsubscribed and then you subscribed again fews month later. 1st 10 Nos are free if you are a 1st time subscriber.

Me : I understand what you are saying. Now I need a solution as I am forced to re-register the no(s) from no. 1 onwards as my older list for Top Ten was not displayed by Maxis and It is not possible that i am paying RM 8 (subscribing for Top Ten) for nothing when i can't use my old list anymore right? So it is unfair for Maxis to charge me with no change for Top Ten when my list does not appear and i need to re-register.

E fr Maxis :Yes, i understand, you can call back next month to dispute the charges for no change and we will waive it off for you. Without your action, we can't show proof of dispute.

Me : Ok, I shall do everything tonight.

E fr Maxis :  Yes please, I am also tired of arguing already.

Me : I will do it tonight. Btw, this is not an argument, just a reminder to you, as a customer service person, you shouldn't be telling your customer that 'I am also tired of arguing already'.

E fr Maxis : I'm sorry, my apologies. I will remember that.

GOOD LORD AND GOD SAVE MALAYSIA ESPECIALLY MAXIS PUNYA LEVEL OF CUSTOMER SERVICE...

Argghhh.. so geram

you are always suspicious to think of what i said and what i do.. until compare me to the past person that you were involved with before.. what happened to you both was what happened to you both.. i wasn't there to know what happened but to read what you said to me is just F****** low blow...

'Whatever'.. WAH LAO YEH.. I really paling pantang ppl use this line with me.. make my blood boil..

don't go hurt others cos you can't live with yourself.. there's only so much 1 person can take okie? you don't see it's not other ppl, the F*** i care about other ppl??? you just don't see that it really is about you, about your decision, about what you said to me, about your attitude to me.. why blame other person for it? Don't lay your guilt on others okie? be responsible for it and be fair to ppl..

Geram betul aku.. make my head berasap only...

When I said I love you...

When I said 'I love you' :

1) doesn't meant that you can bully me

2) doesn't mean that i will stand it when you throw your tantrums at me

3) doesn't mean that it gives you the priority above and over me

4) doesn't mean that I give you the ticket to misbehave and take me for granted

5) doesn't mean that you can threaten me and put me and you at risk because you feel we are unimportant

6) doesn't mean that you can sacrifice me when you deemed fit

7) doesn't mean you have the pass to act all macho and gungho

8) doesn't mean that you are better than everyone else just because I chose to start a relationship with you

9) doesn't mean that you can be irresponsible and disrespect me

10) doesn't mean you can push my boundaries just to see when I will crumble and fall

BUT

When I said 'I love you' :

1) it does mean I will be understanding

2) it does mean i will be there for you; for better, for worse

3) it does mean and explains why i will look the other way, most times even when people wouldn't understand why

4) it does mean and shows why i didn't flirt around with others and do things behind your back

5) it does mean and I do let you know every single time why i never disallow you the freedom of seeing your friends no matter what you feel inside for them

6) it does mean that you are still your own individual and always will be

7) it does mean I will try to make room and be thoughtful of your well-being

8) it does mean that I will, in my best way, work together with you for the betterment of me and you

9) it does mean I will not take you for granted

10) it does mean I will never, ever, make you feel insecure and feel our relationship is ever under any threats

and to me when I said 'I love you', I do mean all I said and do & not having you guess my next step and move...

I wonder...

could we cease to care? cease to think? cease to feel?

sometimes it's funny how much 1 doesn't want to let go.. how much 1 person cease to see what is imminent when it actually does help this very being to move on, to lead happier lives..

letting go, it's great reading material... great practices too for one's personal development and strength of mind, even clarity of the heart at times.. but it is not for everyone.. especially so if you are not willing to walk the path.. but at least give it a try.. might've helped ease a little and let you be on your way, sooner than you thought..

are we really that egoistic? are we really that 'ng kam sam' and is that thing really worth our 'jing san' to just go do it? sometimes ppl say 'it is just something i need to do'. I am sure we have all been there.. BUT..

have you really, really, really asked yourself why? do you REALLY have the need? or do you ACTUALLY HAVE THE WANT, THE DESIRE?

time and time again, things got tangled up because we choose to loop it here and there.. over lapping each other, till there are no more room left to loop anymore.. then we decide, 'hey! let's leave this room', but because of the earlier loops, making us 'kusut masai'.. we only begin to realised... SHIT!! we are now entangled and left stranded, tak tau mana nak jalan.. isk isk isk..

lately i've seen so many issues on wanting something that is taking us for granted and taking for granted something that is wanting us...

good lord, it has happened to me.. lol.. it is so funny if it is not somehow tragic..

it sometimes makes you wonder. why do we inflict this kind of pain? this sort of woe? this sort of tragedy? are we humans... so free? so bored? or it is just that we, are weird beings, made up of shrewd comedy line ups, throwing impossible tragic comedies into our lives? make it a circus troupe worthy of cirque du soleil's line up?

isn't it worth then asking this million dollar question 'why do we love being taken for granted?'

happy days to come.. happy days to live.. AND

happy beings if you care to be, cara mia(s)

See you and not a GOODBYE..

Yesterday was a get together, a last dinner, a farewell for 1 of my good friend. I have been thankful that i meet many great ppl in life. I have my darling, i have my baby, my kwai suen, my dears and my brothers (which included someone by the name of S)

Back to yesterday.. I will miss her dearly, for she is a great friend and when we have come together to a pattern, to a symbiosis (so to say).. she have to leave here..

Life seems better for her and I am grateful that she will find better things in life (thank you GOD) .. the prospect looks great and i hope that everything will be alright with her.. there are so many things i want to say to her. to tell her that she will be sorely missed but i was VEGE'd on my couch.. lol..

There are nights when we will stay up till wee hours in the morning, talking about our deepest thoughts, feelings, revisiting memories, being nostalgic about things and talking about our futures, hopes and aspirations.

You must promise to be very happy.. because you deserve every single ounce and drop of it. I love you and hope to come see you soon..

The problem with human....

This is my very honest observation of myself and ppl whom i met day in day out..

the problem with human...

1) not honest enough about their feelings

2) don't know what they want

3) just play along

4) always have to wear mask

why do we bring this calamity to ourselves? hmmm.. is it our reluctance to let go? is it our ego? is it because the failure of education? is it the sins of our fathers? is it... is it.. so many is it...

but to me the most glaring mistake is one person's unwillingness to learn about oneself.. be one with consciousness and subconsciousness.. unwilling to be honest and admit about our trueself..

i guess that is why in life we are always 'farn yan' or 'farn zin' cos we no bother.. then become very 'farn'.. and then we 'farn' this and 'farn' that...

i also don't get the thing about ppl's need for wearing mask.. why we must pretend to be someone that we are not.. why we can't use our heart be true? maybe it sounds boring but if everyone is true to oneself then maybe there won't be much miscommunication, back stabbing, politicking, war mongering and maybe, just maybe, this world will have a shot at world peace.. maybe..

i am just another 'farn yan' in this 'farn' world who wish to be less 'farn' in her life and 'farn-ing' why this world can be so 'farn' :P

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow & Everyday Ever Since...

Yesterday....

Was a great day for me.. until i have to read something that is so annoying that it made me feel like wanting to slap someone whom i once called a best friend.. In my whole life, nothing works me up more than a person who simply remarked ever so lightly on other's problem and situation, in their easily available 'advice' without any thoughts or justification (2 sides of a coin).. in that case that person just 'kong fung leong suet wah'. really made me so pissed i think any angry cat family will bow down in fear if they saw my face...


Today....

Went to see my doctor in SJMC today (Now it's Sime Darby Medical Centre, Subang). He threatened to disown me as a patience should I not, in his word, do what needed to be done so i could move on with my life... I just found a father / grandfather i never had.. what a warm and fuzzy feeling it is..

Blood report out, no conclusion.. just telling me that i am suffering from unnatural stress.. that i should be rid of any need for medical consultation nor medication once i repel the source of unnatural stress that is causing me this unnatural prolonged sickness.. let's hope he is right because i am tired of swallowing pills.. LOL

I actually wished that he would've certified me unfit to work for the rest of my life so at least I can file appeal to kebajikan + prudential to support my life.. then find a receptionist work and continue to be in a less stressful environment.. It does make me wonder.. why do we work ourselves to death? all for what? excuse for more luxury? get ourselves into more debts?


Tomorrow....

Will be my last day, how i dreaded it.. how i.. well.. 1 thing is for sure when i get there.. where the hell are my claims, photocopies of all my leave forms since beginning of my employment and my bloody pay cheque???!!


Everyday Ever Since....

Thank god also in the form of my baby.. who have been more than understanding.. being there for me when i am so grumpy and bitchy especially so when i am in whole lotta pain.. bearing with me with my smelly hair, sour body odour and dragon breaths.. lol... taking care of me and made sure i am never hungry, that i am never thirsty and that i can lean back on her.

I now hope that all financial worries would soon be over and all that is owe to me will be paid in time (as in immediately) so i can just move on and get out of this labyrinth of darkness.. (only that part la). The rest of my life is just, really no complains.. not much anyways (i'm sure my baby will beg to differ) LOL..

Conclusion...

Wow! 'Pat King Pat Kok' it's already 01.01.2010. It's been so long since I blogged I thought I will never blog again.. For me, early 2009 was really good until things turned sour.. still it was a good year for me, relationships wise.. Let's recap..

The Good :

1) I went back more often to see my mother, my sister and my son. Overall i feel our relationship has improved, though there are still some grey areas between me and my sis..

2) I got out from an abusive relationship, the person died mid year and i went further into a journey of self discovery and my emotional & soul healing

3) My work was smooth and even though full of stress and working late into midnights and public holidays, I've received pro-rata bonus and cash incentive from my boss

4) I met a bunch of great brothers and they have been true friends to me so far, when they knew that I am down, they will call to cheer me up

5) I also met a bunch of great sisters and they have also been there for me. We have had countless ycha sessions, makan makan (bbq, dimsum, especially dimsum and wantanmee too) or just plain hanging out at my place.

6) I've gotten a really good housemate on top of 2 other existing fantastic ones

7) I met someone new and didn't expect romance to blossom until it did. I am fortunate to meet someone who has such beautiful soul and is a sensitive being. Having said that, the person is also like everyone else including me, with flaws :P

8) I also met someone who has tirelessly adviced me on what i could do whenever i encountered a problem and this person still and will continue to help me yet do not want to receive any form of gesture or repayment in return

9) I had my life reading and the result was as expected but now I knew better what to do just still wondering how i could progress and make my life more kaya raya.. muahahahahhah

10) I also found a true person in my colleague & who is, i believe over time will remain a good friend

11) I have also met many more nice, kind, understanding, wise, intelligent, empathic brothers and sisters from Fatine's Right to Stay Together group

12) I met very very good doctors who tried their best to help me get my health back on track

13) My son forced me to watch 'Chowder' with him and well, all I can say is... my son really has great sense of humour!!

14) Thanks to my sister and her 2 lovely toy poodles Chester and Bubble, I have kinda gotten my fear of dogs outta way.. The moment I like best is when i sat on the couch and both of these sweeties will each be on my left and right side, lying down, letting me 'kepit' them..

15) My mom said something to me that brought tears to my eyes. I didn't know that my mom will, till today still think about my welfare so much so until she said to me what she said that very night. For 1/3 of my life i resented my mom because as the eldest I had to be well.. the eldest.. and 2/3 of my life i still can't make peace with the resentment. my 3rd part however, see things my 1st & 2nd part didn't see & i have grown to admire my mom more and more and now i finally understand all my many why-s with her.

16) Having grown up with my stern mom, i didn't know she was capable of sense of humour and to see her jokingly tell my son something really funny cracked me up.

17) Having seen how tight my sis and my son when they are together is a very warm feeling.. funny how they both teased each other and playfully do those silly little things are really great moments to cherish.. and my son he is suuuuuuuuuuuuch a drama queen....

18) I am fired from my job and my last day is next Wednesday.

19) 1st my landlady wanted to take back the unit where i stay for major renovation then changes her mind and instead do smaller repairs so i can continue to live comfortably in this house. The most heartwarming part, she called me a friend / a daugther.

20) I am lucky to meet many good ppl over some bad eggs. they are, in their own individual ways, helped me to gather myself and shout 'coming through'.

21) my darling got married in Singapore!!

22) My sis got a promotion and is now in Singapore with new environment and new challenges


The Bad

1) My health had worsen but it is okie, i can still manage it until Nov when it reached to it's peak (in terms of how bad it is)

2) My hospitalization bill i claimed using Prudential due to lack of cash and I can't claim from the bloody company

3) Met some rotten ppl behaving like princesses and do not understand what is the full meaning of friendship and semangat bergotong royong but as they say good eggs bad eggs, eggs are everywhere.. LOL

4) My uncle (My 1st aunt's husband) passed away due to lung cancer and to see my son so saddened by the fact. Thank god my boy understands a little of the concept of life and death. This uncle of mine, he is really a fantastic man, as long as i can remember ever since i was a child, he has always been cheery and all my other extended family members do like him alot. I guess god loves him more and his work is done on this earth

5) some unfortunate squabbling with sister and having to hear her insult my mother too.. it was painful for me not only because my mom was cuss but also makes me wonder how can a person achieve happiness by being so angry..

6) My good colleague left the company and work life has been unbearable since

7) Being hassled and somewhat harassed and insulted by my ex husband & some of his family. The hard part is to hear it from my mom. Don't know why some ppl just can't go straight and do what they say and say what they meant.

8) My ex husband finally wanted a proper divorce (he wants to remarry) after no show twice in 2002 at the lawyers office. after agreeing to both his and my T & C, he went and go back on his words.. hence no. 7 happened.

9) Ppl still will blame the women when anything happened, except the good happenings.

10) My weight playing see-saw between 71 - 73 and went down to 69 then 68 to me swelling again and currently at 70.5.. LOL

11) Still so many bigots and so many extremist who really doesn't know what is humanity, what is facts, what is empathy, understanding, love and what being human is all about..

12) still seeing ppl repackaged and market passion, lust, obsession and infatuation, butterfly as love..

13) Have an extremely rotten egg for a housemate (she came in with the new good housemate) who is a cheater, a manipulator and also a conwoman who has conned many ppl that i've met. So i am fortunate the maker does love me and the things she did to me, she had to repay it :P

14) Lost all 3 of my housemates due to 1st attempt of landlady trying to get the house back for reno..

15) 1 of my housemate had to leave because there is an unfortunate incident happening at home and she has to be there with her family

16) I couldn't attend my darling's ROM due to the stupid immigration whose machine is unable to read my Mykad (maybank could, goodness, the gov should invest in better equipments) and the 2nd time, they didn't open and didn't declare it in their bloody website.. inefficient betul!


The Ugly

1) Politicking happening in office due to scheming beings...

2) My boss also participated in it

3) Having known me as a temperature sensitive person, turned on full blast 5 air-conds from the initial 2-3 units and get me more and more sick.

4) politicking even harder to get rid of me from the office. Letters issued to me was intended to shame me and defamed me to get me to resign but I didn't budge because I was not in the wrong and i won't take it lying down :P

5) Some idiots who dunno the meaning of friendship and teamwork and semangat ber helping helping...

Let's hope for a better 2010.. I am still a person who, am too lazy to make a resolution because a lazy person will hardly see the resolution through.. HAHA!